


Those Thoughts

by Ieavethecity



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: M/M, a vent concept, self hatred, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:47:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26098852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ieavethecity/pseuds/Ieavethecity
Summary: What do you think of the worst parts of your being?
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington, Harringrove - Relationship
Kudos: 17





	Those Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> ive always kinda wanted to write about how billy might actually feel if he were in a relationship with steve (or really anyone for that matter. just thought harringrove was fitting for this general vibe haha) 
> 
> i, personally, don’t think their relationship would be sunshine and rainbows. i think there would be a lot of toxic thoughts and possibly even more toxic fights. 
> 
> a n y w a y, moving on from that lmao. enjoy this lil concept :)

_What do you think of the worst parts of your soul and your being?_

Billy can bury those thoughts so deeply that when they come up, a little part of his mind collapses. His breathing goes shallow and his eyes go wide.

Dirt shudders and earth rains down the valleys and hills of hope and gladness, burying yellow grass and quiet flowers.

It is a silent affair that takes place in an instant. So short and devastating, so wholly undoable. A momentary planet without an atmosphere.

Billy will stand there and stare into the mirror and wish he could see _ANYTHING BUT THIS_. anything but this. anything.

Anything but the bloodshot eyes that have watched too much and the pouting lips that have said too much and the thin hands that have done too much and the rest of it that is just... _him_.

It is just too much. He sometimes wants to scream. To get into his car, slam the door shut, and scream until his lungs bleed and his ears cry.

What has he done? Why? Why did he hurt so many people? Why does he keep doing it?

He feels like a liar, a dirty thief with poison in his veins. He is too good for him.

Oh, because he is the deep rumble of thunder following the _CRACK_ that rips the sky apart. He is the cold mountain wind that whips the voice out of his throat. He has tightly wrapped arms on a hot summer night, he is skin sticking to skin and smiles against shoulderblades. He is beautiful, and kind, and smart, and loving. Not only loving to himself, but to other people as well.

He is everything Billy wishes he could be.

And somehow, he sees something in this. In this vessel of bad thoughts and worse deeds that Billy can see in the mirror, he sees something worth holding softly.

It drives him completely insane. How could he ever want to talk to him? Touch him? Kiss him?

He is too fucking good. Genuine. He has one dimple that makes his smile lopsided and he always shakes the couch when he laughs. He snores gently when he sleeps and smells of coffee and sweets, a smell Billy felt himself becoming addicted to. He cannot believe he even looks at him sometimes.

Sometimes he talks about their future and Billy remembers he's only known him for such a short time. It feels like he's been talking to him for years, like their bodies were made to be curled up next to each other. But he's felt that way before, and that feeling only leads to aches and tears and sore throats from screaming and drinking.

But... Something about the two of them just works. He has no idea what works or why it does.

But he does know that the feeling he gets when his arms are around him—when the rain patters gently on the roof, when he can feel his heartbeat under his ear, when the tv plays quietly and he smells like summer sweat and sunshine—is unlike anything Billy has ever known.

And Billy does not deserve it, him, or the way he looks at him. He just doesn't.


End file.
